The Griffin Staff’s Red Flags

The staff of The Griffin does a great job at putting together the paper every week and providing campus with useful updates, news and events. From the outside, they might seem “perfect,” but of course, there’s always a bigger story. Editors at The Griffin share what they deem (or what other people have deemed) to be their “red flags” and why they act the way that they do.

Natalie: I am the nosiest person you will ever meet. If we start talking on Snap or any related apps, expect for me to ask you everything about your life. I want to know where you grew up, what your favorite food is, your biggest dream. I want to know everything there is to know about you so that I can get emotionally attached to you. Once I am emotionally attached, good luck getting rid of me.

Patrick: Pretentiousness. Look up synonyms for pretentious on thesaurus.com (which I don’t use). Intelligence is being able to use them in a sentence. Pretentiousness is verily employing them thus. A synonym checklist:

Arty: I fly the flags of New Zealand and the European Union in my room. Check.

Exaggerated: Just look at my résumé. Or should I say curriculum vitae? Check.

Grandiose: Uh, have you *read* what I write? Check.

Hollow: I left my middle school because I was angsty. Check.

Pompous: Ask anybody who has received a text from me. Check.

Stilted: Ask anybody who has received an email from me. Check.

Showy: I wear a wristwatch. Check.

Turgid: I might actually use this word in conversation. Check.

Sara: Whenever I go to Wendy’s, I dip not only my fries in the frosty, but my chicken nuggets as well.

Adam: I like sports, a debatably stupid amount of them. I tend to talk about those sports a lot, debatably a stupid amount of the time. I am also a man, a stupid sentient being in general. What do you get when you combine all these things? I mansplain, more often than I would like to admit. I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to all the innocent ears I’ve talked off about Tottenham Hotspur — I hate myself for loving them too, don’t worry.

Kyra: According to my mom and friends, I have the following red flags:

I am short: This is how I am by nature… and my stilts are uncomfortable.

I drink an ungodly amount of Starbucks: Yes, I have been a gold member since 2015, but I do NOT have a problem.

I use Apple Music: At this point, I really only use it to make Spotify users mad.

My phone is in light mode: I really do not know how people use dark mode… just no.

Ava: I think I’m kind of self-absorbed. Definitely not in an arrogant way — because like most teenagers, I have a crippling lack of self-confidence — but it’s more in a “It’s my world and you’re just living in it” kind of way. I fully believe that when I walk into a Target or something that anyone that looks my way is madly in love with me and wants to be me so badly. I am also in my own little world at all times; like, completely oblivious to my surroundings. I tend to not even notice people calling my name or waving at me, which doesn’t really help me come off as less self-absorbed, I must say. I just put my little headphones in and play my silly little music and walk to class like I’m starring in my own biopic… main character syndrome, I guess. Basically, no one can tell me anything. And because I am the center of my own universe, I also post way too much on social media. I am very guilty of sharing every thought that crosses my pea-sized brain on twitter (@avacgreen) and I document my entire day on my private story. To summarize, I am delusional.

April: When Emma Radel, our copy editor premier, was trying to join The Griffin my sophomore year, she reached out to me by proxy of Natalie. When I heard the news, I was over the moon! As copy editor at the time I was so excited to welcome another member of the grammar politburo. I then promptly forgot to email her back. Lucky for me, she took the initiative and contacted me herself! I then promptly forgot to email her back. Lucky for me, Nat then reminded me twice to email her back! I then promptly forgot to email her back. So probably virtual communication.

Jay: I am incredibly confrontational and arrogant. You’ll never have to ask me if anything is wrong: I will directly tell you what is wrong. I have no issue with saying what’s on my mind at any given moment in time, and I never mince words.

Julia: I’m really annoying. Like, you have to be a certain type of person to deal with my annoying-ness. I talk all the time, and I love to talk about myself. Similar to Ava, I am always in my own world and I believe that everyone is thinking about me all the time. But on the other hand, I hate being perceived. Do what you want with that information.

Julian: Apparently I love to argue and play Devil’s Advocate, but I beg to differ. Another red flag of mine is that I’m extremely sarcastic, so basically I’m a little too funny. The final red flag of mine is that I care way too much about grammar and will correct absolutely every mistake I happen to come across, but is being passionate about grammar really an issue?