By Madelynn Lockwood, Features Editor
A new goal I have is to be braver. Plain and simple. I want to be more brave, take more risks and aim higher. I am a scaredy-cat to my core and I have to say, I am so sick of it.
Often I have the “what are the drawbacks to this really cool thing?” mindset, which can be incredibly effective in stopping a plan in its tracks. A minor change in the wind and I abandon ship faster than you’ve ever seen. But, for a girl who has spent her whole life laying awake dreaming of what lies beyond Buffalo’s city lines, this fear of the unknown doesn’t amount to much exploration.
And so, this is the tale of how I ended up going to Canisius. I was too afraid to go and see what happened when I left Buffalo, so my big move was from a small town to a small city thirty minutes away. Still, I had massive growing pains as I adjusted to life outside of Derby, NY.
A large disclaimer here: I do not mean that I regret my time at Canisius. I don’t. I loved it here and I am proud to be a Griff. Somehow, despite the many challenges and phases I have seen Canisius go through, I hold the belief that the best people in the world are right here on this microscopic campus. There is no other place that has been so formative in creating the person I am today.
The realization that I needed to be braver has come after many, many opportunities stolen by my own fear. I’ve attended multiple Study Abroad interest meetings, opened the University of Michigan transfer portal far too many times and drafted and then deleted numerous texts expressing some version of vulnerability. They were all things I wanted desperately to do, but reserved them for my wildest dreams only – things I knew I would never chase.
And I like to think that in other lifetimes, I did all those things. I like to think that one version of me broke out of my shell and left Buffalo, lived in Ann Arbor, studied abroad and became a lot more confident before coming back home, but I woke up and realized that there are no other timelines. Just this one.
Slowly, I am realizing that the scary things are always more scary in my head. People love me a lot more than I let myself think. I like to think that gaining my bravery has been like putting on armor. It’s being made very slowly, but eventually, I know I’ll have a full suit. Some of it I’ve gained through love – just being loved so much by my family and friends – and other parts through massive amounts of heartbreak, which sucked. However, all of it has been what I needed to grow.
That heartbreak came at a bad time and came through an organization that happened to house all of my major friendships and social connections at the time. Pretty effectively and efficiently, I was notified that my leadership wasn’t needed anymore. It hurt. Really hurt. It felt far too personal, like being handed a note from your closest friends that said “You care too much. You’re too intense and, frankly, you need to step away.” It didn’t say that, but man, it felt like it at the time. I hate this story; actually I have tried to write this multiple times without mentioning it, but I’m saying this because I know that it taught me – albeit, the hard way – when it is time to let go. All of my existing friendships were put to the test, but it allowed me to pivot and look outside of the bubble that I had enveloped myself in. It only took a year and a half to get there.
So, I went looking for more people who love all of the loud and highly sensitive parts of me and, boy, did I find them. By this time, I was already more than a year into a relationship with a boy who showed me what it meant to be loved unconditionally. I found out what happens when you look for friends that value the same things that you do. I found people who let me sob as I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. I found a whole room full of people who stopped what they were doing to applaud as I clicked “apply” for an internship on the other side of the world. All of these are things that never, ever would have happened if I didn’t get my world turned upside down and had to be forced to walk away from what I knew. Forced to hold my breath and try something new. Forced to try to be brave for once.
I learned to show love and to use my emotions. I’d learn to ask for things when I want them and not be so hurt by the word “no.” I asked to go under the dome of Old Main and Fr. Betti made it happen the next week. I started asking the girls I’ve known forever to hang out and shocker, we became friends, like the closest friends I have ever known. When my mental health was unbearably bad, I asked my parents for support and they dropped everything to get me what I needed. I dropped the “no emotions” act and got some scars, but started feeling. I started telling people when they hurt me and they didn’t immediately walk away because I’d upset them. I let people love me and they did. Life changes, people change, and thank God it does.
So that’s it for me – no longer can I stick with the easy or the convenient, otherwise my fate is already written as the girl who will never know what happens when she pushes herself, and that may be worse than the fear itself. I don’t know what will happen after I graduate. I know that I will have a teaching license, an undying passion for helping children and a diploma.
I still don’t know where I’ll land. It might be an internship in France. It might be going home for some amount of time. But, God, I hope I learned something here. Thankfully, I am not the same girl who begged her parents to come home after the first week at Canisius – she wouldn’t have written this. She had to stay and suck it up and walk into the unknown. Now, it’s time to be brave, again, and try to keep doing it this time.